CENTER POINT THE CENTER FOR SELF-CHANGE NEWSLETTER
Vol. 3, No. 9 - September, 2009
Something to Think About Anger is always present when there's a conflict. [1]
In crisis we see the other person as an unequivocal villain. [2]
Being passionate about your cause is well and good, but once it spills over into hostility, you have begun to harm the process. [3]
HOW TO KEEP A CONFLICT FROM BECOMING A CRISIS
J. Kingston Cowart "The Change Maker"
The key difference between a conflict and a crisis is that people in conflict remain rational despite the intensity of competing positions—while those who are in a state of crisis may easily act out of emotional forces beyond the bounds of reason.
People dealing with grief or anger over a divorce or the death of a loved one will naturally be in conflict for a time. When their natural feelings of guilt, resentment, estrangement from others, loneliness, and depression evolve into plans to end their lives, however, they are already in crisis.
Parents arguing with their son or daughter about risky behaviors are in the midst of a conflict. If the conflict becomes a personal crisis for the child, he or she may impulsively run away from home—actually increasing the risk of serious trouble.
A married couple fighting heatedly about money are in conflict. When one of them loses control and grabs the other by the throat, their conflict has suddenly escalated to the point of crisis.
When an employee complains vehemently about unfair treatment at work, it may result in a conflict requiring intervention by human resources or an outside consultant. If he feels so hopelessly helpless that he threatens to blow up the building or to commit other workplace violence, then a serious crisis may result—requiring intervention by police emergency response units instead.
While no one is immune to conflict, it is almost always possible to keep any conflict from becoming a crisis; and it is vitally important to do so.
I have created a brief list of some very effective crisis prevention principles which are easy to put into action in almost any situation.
I call them my "Seven Rs" of reasonable conflict resolution.
I emphasize "reasonable" because when one encounters nothing but intractable insistence on unreasonable demands, then there simply isn't anything to discuss and a crisis may already have begun. In that case, outside intervention will be required—and should be obtained as quickly as possible.
I emphasize "reasonable" because when one encounters nothing but intractable insistence on unreasonable demands, then there simply isn't anything to discuss and a crisis may already have begun.
In that case, outside intervention will be required—and should be obtained as quickly as possible.
Here are the "Seven Rs" Start using any or all them whenever applicable and you will be pleased at how quickly you can become a positive influence on others.
Relax - The word relax comes to us from the Latin re (again) + laxus (loose) and means "to become loose again."
It's opposite is strictus, meaning "bound up" as in tied up, restricted, or restrained by strictures—and is commonly understood as being caught or trapped in a state of tension.
Such tension is highly communicable, especially in conflict situations. One person's tension easily generates tension in others.
Fortunately, the same is true of relaxation. The more relaxed you are, the less tension there will be in general.
When you feel annoyed, irritated, insulted, misjudged—anything that gets your emotions all tied up in knots—take a moment or two right then to breathe deeply and freely (without making a show of it) so you can relax and stay calm.
Redefine - We often think of people who disagree with us as adversaries. That is only one step away from turning them into enemies. It is far more productive for us to redefine them as partners in conflict resolution. That way, instead of being on opposite sides of an insoluble argument, everyone is regarded as working together on the side of finding mutually acceptable solutions to differences of opinion.
Reduce - In addition to reducing the tension in the room it is very important to reduce the anger which is always associated with any conflict. That's why it has become a conflict instead of a simple disagreement. Someone or some faction has gotten angry enough about something to raise a ruckus about it.
When anger flares, acknowledge it, address it, and assuage it as soon as possible—because the fire of anger all to easily sparks the flames of crisis.
Acknowledge anger by saying, "I can tell you are really angry about this. When things have gotten to a point where anyone is so angry, there have to be reasons for it." Address it by saying, "Help me understand specifically what angers you the most." Assuage it by saying: "Okay. I get that. Now, how can we get to a point where there is no need for that anger anymore? Let's work on working something out."
Move from issue to the next in much the same way.
Refocus - Constantly refocus your attention on what your partners in conflict resolution are saying and feeling. The mind is like a horse. It can carry quite a load—and take us almost anywhere.
But it loves to run and even prance. Therefore, left to itself, the mind will wander, following its own desires.
When you let that happen, people talking to you can feel it. They know you are not really attending to them. That creates more anger, hurt feelings, and resentment—feelings which only increase the intensity of the conflict and may contribute to its becoming a crisis.
We simply dare not let that happen in the midst of conflict resolution. The way to avoid it is to refocus your attention on the moment every moment—again and again all the time
Fortunately, all you need for that is a sincere desire to make it happen.
Resist - Once you have the first three "Rs" in place, you are well on the way to success. It will now be much easier to resist emotional manipulation or additional unfair tactics employed by any of the other participants—as well as the temptation to use them yourself.
That includes unproductive behaviors like name-calling, dismissive tone of voice, a superior attitude that refuses to take the other side seriously, the use of ultimatums or other threats of retaliation if one side does not accept the other's terms.
All such provocations fall short when you are able to stay centered, calm, and focused on finding mutual agreement with respect to real issues.
Acknowledge past grievances as needed but resist attempts to dwell on them.
Keep bringing the discussion back to "where do we want to go from here" and "how can we get there together."
The most important thing is that no one should ever be boxed in and made to feel that they must choose between either 1) accepting the humiliation of total capitulation, or 2) taking total control by escalating anger to a crisis level.
Repair - Conflicts arise when things have gone so far wrong (at least from one side's point of view) that they must somehow be fixed. This means that reasonable and concrete changes must be made. Often these are small changes, some of which may be only symbolic and yet very important nonetheless.
Other changes may be far more significant. They may be structural in ways that transform how workers are supervised or how a family sets curfew requirements for adolescent children.
All parties should be willing to offer objective assurances that agreed-upon reasonable changes will be honored and upheld by both sides.
Review - To review something is to take another look at it. Once conflict resolution has been successful (however many meetings that may take) everyone should agree to return and review progress on an ongoing basis for a while. That way adjustments can be made and if new issues arise there is already an established way to deal with them.
Review meetings can be scheduled for as often as needed.
Experience has shown that having fair open and family meetings is actually rather a good way to keep communication going and cooperation alive. It is equally valuable in the workplace.
Using these "Seven Rs" effectively enables us to return to success in our daily tasks at hand—whether they be raising our children, maintaining a productive workflow, enjoying a happy marriage, getting along with neighbors, or anything else.
And best of all, we will have been able to get through the conflict without having had to go through a crisis.
BTW: I have several other "Rs" on this topic. If you would like me to send them to you just call me at 619.561.9012 or send an email requesting them to jkcowart@self-change.com.
[1] Daniel Dana, Conflict Resolution (New York: McGraw-Hill, 2001), 4 .
[2] Gary Harper, The Joy of Conflict Resolution (Gabriola Island, Canada: New Society Publishers, 2004), 73.
[3] David J. Lieberman, How to Make Peace With Anyone (New York: St.Martin's Press, 2002), 139.
J. Kingston Cowart
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I'll be there. How about you?
J. Kingston Cowart 619.561.9012 Post Office Box 19005 San Diego CA 92159 jkcowart@self-change.com
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