CENTER POINT THE CENTER FOR SELF-CHANGE NEWSLETTER
Vol. 3, No. 8 - August, 2009
Something to Think About Life is the sum of your choices. Albert Camus
It is not facts and events which upset a man, but the view he takes of them. Epictitus
Human freedom involves our capacity to pause between stimulus and response and, in that pause, to choose. Rollo May
JUST WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?
J. Kingston Cowart "The Change Maker"
When working with normal families and well-intentioned parents, I often try to get the parents to let their children know that they, the children, are in control of what happens to them at home.
The parents have rules and values. When the children cooperate with those rules and values, they are treated one way. When they don't, they are treated differently. The choices, and therefore the outcomes, are up to the children themselves.
That is usually true for us as adults, as well.
One of my recent clients was a highly intelligent gay man in his late twenties who worked in downtown San Diego. He often left his building for lunch and was very angry at the way people treated him on the street at midday. He was well liked at work, but people outside at lunch time often made rude antihomosexual remarks about him — some even called him hateful names. During one session in particular he told me how much he despised them for their prejudice.
When he finished speaking I stood up and saluted him for a moment, then sat back down without saying a word.
"What's that about," he demanded.
"You dress Gay-Goth," I said. "Whenever you put on any kind of uniform, you have to expect that some people will salute it one way or another. Because you are in charge of how you dress, you are in charge of the reactions you get. You can't change the people, or their prejudices, but you can change how they react to you. It's as easy as changing your clothes."
He got the point. He didn't waste time arguing that he shouldn't have to dress differently; that they were wrong and he had the right to wear whatever he wanted.
He was too smart for that. He knew what he wanted. He knew what was possible. He started wearing more moderate business clothes downtown and the harassment stopped. So, in many ways, did his anger.
I use these examples in one of my favorite presentations, "How to Succeed by Treating People Like Dogs."
I like it so much, I suppose, because I really like dogs — and I treat them very well.
When I was in the first and second grades, I walked to my baby-sitter's home after school. She had a German shepherd name Duke. One evening when my mother came to pick me up, she asked what I had been doing. I said Duke and I had been sitting on the porch barking at other dogs.
I got very good at dog barking. I can bark like lots of different dogs to this day.
I can imitate other animals pretty well, too. But that doesn't necessarily mean that I ought to. Once I made very realistic bellowing sounds while slowly approaching a Brahma bull on the road with his cows in train — until my wife, who grew up in rural Wisconsin, ordered me to shut up!
She warned me that Mr. Bull was getting very upset and was bigger than our Volkswagen. I quit talking to the bull and we were able to drive past him without incident.
Whether or not the VW got attacked by a Brahma bull was entirely up to me.
BTW: Just imagine me sitting on a porch with that Brahma bellowing at other bulls! I'd love it!
Then there was the dog I called Chaser because he liked to chase me — well, anybody, really. Soon after Chaser moved into the neighborhood, I learned that if I ran past his house he would chase me for as long as I kept running.
If I stopped running, he stopped chasing and went home.
If I walked past his house, no problem. I could run close to his "line of demarcation," then walk past him, and run again after that, all without incident. I could run the whole way — in the street. Or I could run down a different block.
I was in complete control of whether or not Chaser chased me.
What we're really talking about here is patterned behavior. At home, at work, on the street (with people, bulls, or dogs) I will encounter patterns of behavior which I can oppose and get angry about — or acknowledge and adapt to so that things turn out well for me.
Success with people (and dogs) lies in working with their patterns instead of against them.
By taking command of my own behaviors in response to those of others, I am the one who is in charge of most of what happens to me.
It is important here to recall that I started with a reference to "normal families" and "well-intentioned" parents. In abusive cases, I report the situation to the appropriate agency. The same would be true for mad bulls and rabid dogs.
Naturally, we have to stand up and oppose those who treat us or others badly.
Even then, however, we are in charge — because the choice is ours.
The truth is that almost always whenever you ask "Just who's in charge here," the answer is that you are.
J. Kingston Cowart
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It's easy. Every Wednesday for a few minutes between 10:00 and Noon sit down and turn inward - through prayer, meditation, self-hypnosis or any modality you choose - and send out good thoughts to everyone else in the circle.
I'll be there. How about you?
J. Kingston Cowart 619.561.9012 Post Office Box 19005 San Diego CA 92159 jkcowart@self-change.com
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