CENTER POINT
THE CENTER FOR SELF-CHANGE NEWSLETTER

Vol. 3, No. 7- July, 2009

      Something to Think About         

           If what you are doing isn't working, nothing 
you do will change anything - until you 
finally change what you are doing!" 

There is no such thing as weakness of will. What  
people tell themselves is weakness of will is 
just strength of will in the wrong direction. 

 JKC    

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE HAPPEN?

J. Kingston Cowart
 "The Change Maker"

During my two years in the graduate counseling program at San Diego State University, one of the most powerful counseling interventions I learned to use entailed these simple therapeutic questions:

1. "What are you trying to make happen?"

2. "What will that make possible?"

3. "How well is it working?"

4. "Would something else work better?" [1]

A common first answer is, "Nothing. I'm not trying to make anything happen."

The truth is, however, that we are always trying to make something happen — because human beings (unless they are enlightened beings) are never not up to something one way or another.

In couples counseling, for instance, one spouse may say angrily to the other:

"Why don't you just shut up! You don't even know what you're talking about!"

Rather than let an argument get going, I might ask:

"What are you trying to make happen right now?"

"I'm trying to get him to understand that he doesn't know everything the way he thinks he does!"

"What will that make happen?"

"I don't know."

"What if you did know? What would the answer be?"

"Oh, I guess maybe he would back off trying to be the Big Boss all the time."

"And what would that make possible?"

"Well, I'd be able to like him a lot better, that's for sure!"

"Then it sounds like what you are trying to make happen is for him to quit bossing you around so that you can feel better about him."

"So that we can get along better."

"How likely is it that telling him to shut up will make that happen any time soon?

"Well, not so much, I guess."

"What else could you say that might work better?"

At that point we are usually on our way to change.

It is a great question to ask ourselves, as well — at work, at home, while driving in traffic.

You will recall from the June issue that we develop a primary reality orientation very early in life. After about six years of age, virtually everything we try to make happen goes back to our initial sense of how the world works and what we can expect of it.

If I felt insecure, I might focus most on trying to make feelings of security happen. If, on the other hand, I had a strong feeling of security early on, then I might go more confidently from one accomplishment to another — trying to make my expectations of success happen.

There are, of course, many different variations on this theme.

Yet, in every case we have to be careful to avoid two things in particular.

First, we must watch out for the very human tendency to try to feel better about ourselves by making someone else feel bad.

Every workplace has some people like that. Some families have one or two people like that, as well. We don't want to be those people.

Secondly, we must also take care not to be trying to make the wrong thing happen.

If my father died when I was very young, I may spend my life hoping to satisfy my "father hunger" (as it is called) by making a "Daddy" relationship happen now even though it never really can — at least not in those terms.

I would be far better off finding ways to heal my wounded sense of self and live happily thereafter. [2]

Given these facts, it is easy to see how important it is to frequently ask ourselves "What am I trying to make happen?"

And, "What will that make possible?"

And, "How well is it working?"

And, "Would something else work better?"

That way we can ensure that we are trying to make only good things happen — and that we succeed.

You might want to begin asking these simple questions of yourself (and others when appropriate).

They ultimately make life better for everybody.

[1] These and many other great ideas came from Prof. James P. Carnevale, the  
director of my graduate program. His students called them "Jim's Gems."  
They were eventually published as Counseling Gems: Thoughts for the  
Practitioner (Bristol, PA: Accelerated Development, Inc., 1989). 

[2] In fact, in my own case, that's exactly what I did.

J. Kingston Cowart, M.S.

      

 JOIN THE CENTER CIRCLE

It's easy. Every Wednesday
for a few minutes between
10:00 and Noon sit down and
turn inward - through prayer,
meditation, self-hypnosis or
any modality you choose -
and send out good thoughts
to everyone else in the circle.

I'll be there. How about you?

J. Kingston Cowart
619.561.9012
Post Office Box 19005
San Diego CA 92159
jkcowart@self-change.com

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