Center Point - Newsletter of the Center for Self-Change May 2009: "Start Talking More Openly"

Something to Think About

"Be kind to whomever you meet,
for everyone is fighting a battle."

Siddartha Gautama Buddha*

The April issue of Center Point focused on covert communications called metamessages — cryptic thoughts and feelings we leave unspoken but which are expressed nonetheless in our facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice.

I described that as "talking in parentheses" and pointed out that other people naturally react to such communications with thoughts and feelings of their own.

It is therefore a very bad idea to bite at people in the workplace with unspoken zingers. That only leads to their having negative feelings toward you and biting back someday when they get the chance — often behind your back where they may be able to do you some real harm.

In the home, a parent's constant but covertly expressed criticism and judgment can create simmering feelings of resentment and anger in young children — feelings which will flare into defiance and retaliation once they begin to assert their independence in early adolescence. If the resulting conflicts are met with even more negative metamesages, the children's reactions can easily escalate matters to the point of a family breakdown.

The best way to avoid that is to speak openly and, whenever possible, warmly.

It is an approach that can help to heal old relationships and start new ones without negative overtones.

It takes courage however because we can be held accountable for what we have said aloud.

That's why some people prefer covert metamessages which can always be discounted as misinterpretations, since words alone don't convey the emotions carried, for instance, by a superior tone of voice.

But why create negative outcomes when we can have better ones instead?

Last month we looked at the example of a mother speaking to her daughter in very much the same condescending tone with which her own mother often spoke to her:

Now Marla and her daughter are a team playing a game together. The interaction is warm, friendly, and safe — not unkind or wounding.

In reality, of course, Kim may not feel like playing "Hot-and-Cold." She's twelve. Maybe all she wants right now is her math book. Any warm and open response from Marla will work just as well.

In this exchange, Marla has spoken to Kim in a friendly way. She has given her a parental instruction (to keep track of her things) and called her by a warm and intimate name (Dear).

Most importantly, she did it all without scoring points of any kind against her daughter.

Whatever else she may take away from this exchange, Kim will at least go to her room without any bad feelings toward her mother.

That's certainly far better than what happens when covert metamessages are in play.

* I have been unable to source this quote. Any assistance
would be appreciated. While it may be apocryphal, it remains
meaningful enough in its own right that I decided to present it here.

It's easy. Every Wednesday
for a few minutes between
10:00 and Noon sit down and
turn inward - through prayer,
meditation, self-hypnosis or
any modality you choose -
and send out good thoughts
to everyone else in the circle.

J. Kingston Cowart
619.561.9012
Post Office Box 19005
San Diego CA 92159
jkcowart@self-change.com

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