CENTER POINT THE CENTER FOR SELF-CHANGE NEWSLETTER
Vol. 3, No. 4 - April, 2009
Something to Think About
- What are you trying to make happen? - We are always up to something—attempting to achieve some objective, good or bad. Being honest about what we are try- ing to make happen in any situation helps us find the best way to succeed with it if it's good—and abandon it if not.
J. Kingston Cowart
STOP TALKING (IN PARENTHESES)
J. Kingston Cowart "The Change Maker"
Sometimes when we talk to people we don't say everything out loud.
Yet hidden things are expressed anyway. Our facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice reveal the cryptic thoughts and feelings we have left unspoken.
These covert communications are called metamessages. They often convey attitudes and judgments which we do not even know we are sending out.
Whenever that happens, they end up being hidden not so much from others but from ourselves. If we are not careful, we may not even know the most important half of the message we have just given someone: the feeling half.
Other people, however, are usually able to "get the message" right away—and react to it with feelings of their own.
Here is an important reason the emotional half of any message is so critical:
People may someday forget what you have done, They may eventually forget what you have said, They will never forget how you have made them feel.
One common, and often destructive, form of hidden communication is the parenthetic end phrase.
Here's an example.
Marla's mother, Nan, has come to visit for a week to see her grandchildren. Marla doesn't like these visits but tries to tolerate them as well as possible. During the visit Nan uses the washing machine and places the laundry detergent on a different shelf, not the one on which she found it. This is something Nan has done before.
When Marla goes to do the family wash, she can't find the detergent and asks Nan if she knows where it is.
Marla [aggravated]: "Mom, do you know where the laundry soap is (this time)?
Nan steps into the laundry room and says, with a quietly superior tone of voice: "Yes, dear. Right there on the shelf (are you blind)?"
Marla [defensive]: "Where (what are you talking about, you idiot)?"
Nan: [triumphantly] "There right in front of you (stupid)!"
Marla: [derisively] "Oh, that's where you put it (what a dumb thing to do)!"
More than anything else, these two women are expressing their disapproval of one another in everything they say—except the literal words they speak.
One reason Marla dislikes her mother so much is the way she has always made her feel inadequate—which is one of the worst feelings we can have. And she tries to make her mother feel bad in return. (Aren't you just a horrible person?)
Now, what happens when Marla's 12 year-old daughter, Kim, can't find a school book for her homework assignment?
Kim: "Mom, where's my math book?"
Marla [impatiently]: "Probably right where you left it (you never keep track, do you)?"
Kim [hurt, confused, defensive]: "But, Mom! I've really looked for it."
Marla: "Well, I can see it from here (are you blind)?"
And so it goes—not just in families, but also in the way we may sometimes talk to coworkers and neighbors, as well as people we know from church and other organizations.
In the May issue of Center Point we'll look at how to stop using parenthetic end phrases—and what kinds of things to say instead.
Look for "Start Talking More Openly" next month.
It is an approach that can help to heal old relationships and start new ones without negative overtones.
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JOIN THE CENTER CIRCLE
It's easy. Every Wednesday for a few minutes between 10:00 and Noon sit down and turn inward - through prayer, meditation, self-hypnosis or any modality you choose - and send out good thoughts to everyone else in the circle.
I'll be there. How about you?
J. Kingston Cowart 619.561.9012 Post Office Box 19005 San Diego CA 92159 jkcowart@self-change.com
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