CENTER POINT
THE CENTER FOR SELF-CHANGE NEWSLETTER

Vol. 2, No. 12 - DECEMBER, 2008

ARE THERE BEARS IN YOUR LIFE?

J. Kingston Cowart
"The Change Maker"

What if you were walking in the woods and discovered that bears were headed your way?

That could be a problem because they might become very aggressive.

No surprise there. That's their nature. Bears are not friendly—and they are very dangerous.

That's because they're bears!

This is therefore not the time for you to ask any of the following questions:

"Why are these bears coming toward me like this?" — "Have humans encroached too much on their territory?" — "Is it my fault?" — "Have I done anything to upset them?" — "Has someone else treated them badly today?" — "Are they acting out of anger over the early loss of a loved one?" — "Do they come from a dysfunctional family?" — "Do they lack self-esteem and try to compensate through violence?" — "Do they have a daughter in the hospital or a parent with Alzheimer's" — Should I try to get them in to a drug or alcohol rehab program? — How can I make them feel better?"

There is only one thing to know:

They are bears.

And there is only one question to ask:

"What do I do now?"

The answer depends on several variables:

1) is there a place where you can quietly step off the road and disappear;

2) do you have a bear whistle with which to warn them off;

3) do you have a way to call for help;

4) are you armed if worse comes to worst?

None of these questions has anything to do with the bears' upbringing, background, or motivations.

It is a very dangerous misuse of time and energy to try to psychologize the bears when they are right there in front of you. We all understand that. It makes perfect sense.

So why do we do it with people?

When the boss growls and roars around, we try to figure out why. We wonder what set him or her off. We think we might be able to change something we do so it won't happen any more. We may even try to make excuses for this bad behavior — based on a broken marriage, tragic childhood, lack of recognition, drinking problem, or almost anything else. We eventually become angry and resentful (which is also a waste of time and energy).

It is the same with our loved ones when they get into bear mode.

The truth is we are far better off when we simply accept that a bear is roaring at us — intimidating, cheating, lying, or disappointing us — once again, and that we need to acknowledge it for just exactly what it is.

And this is what it is:

It is unacceptable!

It's all BS (bear stuff). They growl when you try to be nice to them and bare their teeth if you ever ask them for anything.

But you really don't have to excuse it — or put up with it.

It should stop. If it doesn't stop, you need to do whatever is called for to make it stop.

Here are some successful options based on the nature of bears (human bears included):

First of all, when your bear begins to roar, growl, or advance on you, you must recognize it as specifically bear behavior.

Then make sure you are recognized as someone who is not bear prey.

Get out of the way. End the conversation. Leave the room. Explain that you will not be present for such treatment. State that you will return when appropriate communication is possible.

If that doesn't change things, then blow the bear whistle. Human Resources departments take reports of domination, harassment, intimidation, bullying, and insulting (or just plain bad) communication styles very seriously. No firm wants to be formally identified as a hostile workplace. Conflict resolution is the watchword these days. Mediation between you and your bear may be in order. Bear retraining is another possibility.

Should the problem persist after that, get other help. Contact a work conflict attorney. Make phone calls to your local labor relations complaint board. Write a letter to your local newspaper advice column (perhaps leaving the response on your desk where it can be seen). Ask others in your office to contact human resources as well.

Do not confront your bear unarmed. Your most effective weapon is a logbook of bear incidents.

Such a record is usually accepted as a legal document if: 1) it is dedicated only to the bear problem; 2) objectively describes each incident (be sure to note the names of others who were present at the time); 3) it is kept current and each entry notes the time, date, and location of the behavior. It is preferable that this log be handwritten. And it is a good idea to make copies of its pages from time to time, in case it is lost or stolen.

These approaches work equally well in family situations, as well.

Family members will often rethink their bear behaviors when you refuse to accept them. When faced with a record of their BS (bear stuff), many family bears will be surprised at their way of doing things and how it affects you, and agree to change.

If they don't, then blow the whistle. Tell others in the family that the bear must be dealt with. Insist on family counseling. If violence is involved, call the police. If the BS does not stop, the time has come for the bear to go.

It can be tough to confront an aggressive teenager with having to live elsewhere. But it may be necessary.

Divorce is a very difficult choice most of the time. If it is the only way to be free of the bear in your life, however, then that's what must be done.

The most important thing to remember is this:

Never lay down and play dead for any bear.

Trying to appease a bear is certain to increase it's aggression. It identifies you as prey. In the wild, if the bear is only defending its territory it may leave you alone when you curl up, keep still, and "just take it." But if it is hungry or protecting its young, it will kill you.

Human bears are even worse. There is no natural justification for their actions. They are mean because they enjoy being mean. They hurt people because they want to. It's their style. It's what they do.

If they are lazy and irresponsible, that's because they like living that way — it's easy and they can get away with it.

That's why some human bears play possum. They refuse to take on their own share of the load. Your boss may make you do all your work and most of his or hers as well. A spouse or child may passively control your home by avoiding responsibility for simple chores or other forms of fair cooperation which would make your life much easier.

These bears hibernate contentedly until you disturb them with an appeal to do their own work and acknowledge you for doing yours. At home it may be a simple request to take out the trash, spend less money, quit hanging out on the couch, get a job, do some housework, or homework.

Then they rear up and growl, grunt, and roar at you — until you go away.

There is some good news in all this. If you have human bears in your life, it is possible for them to change.

In order for that to happen, you have to stand up to them and not lay down for their bear stuff any longer.

All you have to do is practice common sense for bears:

Get out of the way — refuse to be present for bear behavior.
Blow your bear whistle — tell others what's going on.
Call for help — enlist others in resisting the bear.
Arm yourself — use a well-kept logbook to document the bear stuff.

In the end everyone (probably even the bear) will be better off because you knew what to do — and did it.

J. Kingston Cowart

JOIN THE CENTER CIRCLE

It's easy. Every Wednesday
for a few minutes between
10:00 and Noon sit down and
turn inward - through prayer,
meditation, self-hypnosis or
any modality you choose -
and send out good thoughts
to everyone else in the circle.

I'll be there. How about you?

J. Kingston Cowart
619.561.9012
Post Office Box 19005
San Diego CA 92159
jkcowart@self-change.com

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