Self-Change - ctrpoint

In June I listed three steps on "How to Avoid Going to the Dogs."
It generated quite a response, most of which had to do with the desire for more
detailed information on the three steps: paying attention, stepping back, and waiting. The
July and August issues dealt with first parts of this trilogy. We now conclude with the third.

From some phone calls and emails I have received I know that at least a few of you have been waiting to read this issue and learn what it offers up about waiting itself.

That is a very good example of the fundamental principle of waiting - and of life. Very simply put, that principle is this:

You could not read what you are reading now until I had done my part. The second move, reading, is yours - but not the first. After all, you could not write this and send it to yourself. You could write something else and send it wherever you wish, of course, but it would not be this.

Does that mean then that I had the first move? In one sense, it does. After all, I did the writing.

In a deeper sense, however, it does not mean that at all. I have written this essay and the two which preceded it in response to the expressed desire of Center Point subscribers for a detailed follow-up to the June issue. Didn't I nonetheless have the first move in writing that? Not really, because I began publishing the newsletter in reaction to an inner directive that I should do so. The idea came to me and I responded to it. It has been that way ever since. A topic comes to me and I write about it. And I have to wait for it to come together somehow before I start to write it.

If we pursue that line all the way back to its origins we come face to face with the undeniable fact that the first move has never been mine.

I did not put myself here. I did not give myself life. I did not even determine the color of my eyes or my hair.

From the very moment of my birth, everything I have done has been in response to existence. Existence came before me. I came into existence on its terms. One way or another, existence always has the first move.

In my case, it seems that I may have been in something of a hurry to get here. Waiting is something I had to learn. My perpetual drive to arrive earned me the childhood nickname "Get Along John." It began with my unexpectedly rushed birth in a hospital hallway on a gurney headed for the delivery room.

Even then, of course, I actually had to wait for the time, the right time - in this case, my mother's time - for my birth to occur. In truth, it wasn't even my mother's time was it? It was nature's time. Neither my mother nor I had anything to say about it.

She had to wait for the time and when it came she knew it. Then I was born. My birth happened to me. I did not initiate it. The initiative always belongs to existence. Waiting - and then responding - is my part.

Sometimes, of course, we are called to wait but a split second and act immediately.

That is invaluable in my work with others. Some counselors are afraid of silence. When a client stops talking, they feel they must make a comment or ask a question. I find I learn more from waiting and watching. In doing so, I see something of the cause behind a client's silence. It may be a reflective pause. It may signal a decisive inner struggle which my speaking would only interrupt. I can usually tell something of what people in silence are experiencing by watching the emotions that play across their faces. Time after time I have found that if I respect the silence - if I pay attention, step back, and practice waiting - then when the client speaks, it is to say something very important.

Not long ago a friend of mine was rudely insulted by her boss in front of coworkers. What he said was so offensive that she wanted to slap his face for it. Instead she did what we have been discussing lately. She paid attention to what was happening (both in the room and in herself), stepped back from her angry impulse, and just waited. He didn't like that - and said something even more demeaning.

She didn't know quite what she was waiting for, but felt she should keep on keeping still - and continued waiting.

One of her male colleagues said (verbatim), "By God, I'm going to report this. I'm going to write it up and every one of us here is going to sign it." That is exactly what he did and the boss lost his job. Because she paid attention, stepped back, and waited, my friend didn't go to the dogs - which is what would have happened had she slapped her boss. Because he didn't follow those principles, her boss went to the dogs instead.

As in this case, waiting can make all the difference even when we don't know what we are waiting for.

Some years ago a man came to me suffering from anxiety because his wife had left him. He was hurt and he was angry. He wanted to file for divorce - but he didn't really want a divorce. He wanted to start dating - but he really didn't want that either. What he wanted was his wife. He made angry phone calls to her. Then he made conciliatory phone calls. He asked her to come back. He told her to go to the devil.

It was not yet the time for any decision. The initiative was not his. He had to take some time and wait to see how things shaped up before he could make a reasonable assessment of the situation and choose from the best options existence presented at that time. In the meantime he should put his energy into work on himself, responding to this crisis as an occasion and opportunity for positive self-change.

When he stopped bothering his wife, she began calling him. She was surprised to learn he was in counseling. He said he was just trying to make the best of things however they turned out. She started coming to counseling with him. At one point I thought they were going have an amicable divorce. In the end, however, his willingness to make changes in himself gave her hope that the marriage could change. That encouraged her to make changes of her own. Their relationship grew stronger and healthier - because he waited.

In such situations, the worst thing we can do is to get up on our high horses and ride off in all directions at once.

That's how this issue of Center Point came to be written - in response to what existence presented.

It's easy. Every Wednesday
for a few minutes between
10:00 and Noon sit down and
turn inward - through prayer,
meditation, self-hypnosis or
any modality you choose -
and send out good thoughts
to everyone else in the circle.

J. Kingston Cowart
www.self-change.com
619.561.9012
Post Office Box 19005
San Diego CA 92159

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