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CENTER
POINT
THE CENTER FOR SELF-CHANGE NEWSLETTER
Vol.
I, No. 4 - April, 2007
BALANCE
BETWEEN SELF AND OTHERS
In
my capacity as a spiritual director, I recently received an
email which included the following statement:
"At
the end of the day, what other people think about how I
live my
life doesn't matter. What matters is whether I'm comfortable
with it."
My
response was immediate.
Of
course what other people think matters!!
Even
before the end of the day, people will react to any
discomfort they have about how we live our lives.
If
they dislike it enough, they will trouble us - either openly
or behind our backs.
History
is full of it: "Hang him!" "Burn him!"
That
is done figuratively as well as physically. So daily life
is full of it, too:
"That
guy's a mess. Let's mess with him."
"Let's lie and tell his girlfriend that he ..."
"Let's lie and tell her boss she said...."
"Hey, we could get his tires."
Or
what is most common:
"He's
such a jerk - he can be our joke."
"Let's run her down behind her back and laugh at her
when she's not around."
Then
there's "Let's not tell.":
In
fact, "not telling" can really hurt us. People
can choose not to tell us important things which could help
us one way or another:
a job opening ... a cheating spouse ... an upcoming performance
review … anything "
Therefore,
we are simply harming ourselves if we do not operate with
what has long been called:
"A
decent regard for the opinions of others."
My
mother had another way of putting the same idea:
"Never
give people a stick to beat you with. Chances are, they'll
use it!"
At
the same time, however, we cannot simply give our entire lives
over to the opinions of others.
We
must be true to ourselves.
We
therefore have to ask:
Is there some middle ground between between looking to
others and looking out for ourselves?
Yes,
there is. We need only look out from within ourselves
- from a stable stance at our own center point.
From
that standpoint we can actually live in such a way as to make
no mistakes.*
This involves just watching things as they unfold before us.
That is to say, watching and seeing what is happening, rather
than looking for something we want to happen - or fear
might happen.
It
also involves watching ourselves so that we see any selfish
desire on our part before it has a chance to become active.
When
we see things just as they are, without any selfish desire
on our part, we find it easier to recognize selfish desire
in others.
In
seeing things just as they are, it is also far easier to
know from within ourselves just what to do in any situation.
Another
element is attending to the "still small voice"
that tells us "No."
We
then let that voice draw us away from harmful situations
- situations in which we might step into mistakes of our
own making or into trouble caused by others.
This greatly lessens the liklihood that we will be subject
to the anxiety, confusion, worry, or situational depression
so commonly assiciated with life today.
We
prevent the activation of selfish desire by stepping back
from it. It tends to draws us off center. When we step back
we are instantly centered again.
We
avoid trouble caused by others by keeping still at the center
point and not being drawn into their sphere.
By
wanting to stay centered at all times and repeatedly
remembering to return to our post ...
standing
guard at our center point ...
we
develop a settled disposition toward ...
a
true balance between self and others.
It
is a balance well worth having!
*
"Keeping still when the time has come to keep still,
and going
forward when the time has come to go forward…. One
who
acts from these deep levels makes no mistakes."
Richard Wilhelm, The I Ching or Book of Changes.
Trans. Cary F.
Baynes. 3rd ed. (Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press,
1969), 201.
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